Sexuality: this is the main topic for of my next book, and is currently the main topic of my life.
I wondered whether I should speak of this on my blog: what with it being public, somewhat of a taboo subject for some, and likely to offend several, I considered that this would be a risky post. However, upon beginning this blog, I promised myself two things: 1. That I would let this blog be an escape, and 2. That I would write about what is on my mind, truthfully, without hesitation. And so, with the sun setting outside and a million thoughts on my mind, this is my take on my own personal situation.
Let’s go way back: to when I was younger, to when we dream of our Prince Charmings whisking us away onto their white horses, galloping into the sunset with promises of love and Happy Ever After. I would (like most us!) sit and watch Disney films and wonder what my future husband would look like: how he would court me and open doors for me, buy me flowers and kiss me goodnight.
And yet, I knew a separate part of me was different: I would look at older women and feel fascinated by their bodies and mannerisms. Even at that age, I put it down to just idolising: I just wanted to be like them, to have breasts and wear dresses and wear makeup. This further reinforces a sad aspect of childhood: that we are so overcome with pressure and stereotypes, a lot of the time we don’t even consider exploring elements of ourselves that feel different.
So, from around the ages of 4 to 10, I completely discarded my thoughts over women: I crushed on boys, I found male celebrities I was attracted to, and even had a couple of boyfriends. I was just like all the other girls: not what I consciously aspired to be, but I at least wanted to fit in.
So, let’s now turn back time to around 1.5 years ago: when I joined high school, and was opened up to the world of social media. Very quickly, I found a familiar feeling resurfacing: a fascination with women I couldn’t shake. It wasn’t long until Ruby Rose’s Break Free video was practically breaking the Internet, and it just snowballed from there.
Since then, I have explored my sexuality and paid more attention to it than ever before – something I feel like I am now mentally ready to do, with the knowledge that I will be judged, knocked, and left behind by some people; people who, ultimately, wouldn’t deserve a relationship with me anyhow to walk away from someone because of the sex they’re attracted to.
Last Summer, I went through a phase where I thought I was completely gay: in some ways, I kind of forgot men exist! Even if those feelings weren’t accurate, I am still grateful that I went through that period, as I feel like that period truly opened my eyes and allowed me to embrace what I felt at the time.
And now? I can, in complete honesty, say that I am unsure where I stand: I at least know for a fact that I am not completely heterosexual (i.e. straight), and that I am most definitely attracted to girls, on a physical and emotional level; with guys, I am truly perplexed. If somebody at this moment is to say to me, ‘What sexuality are you?’, I would answer ‘bisexual’, as I do know I am attracted to both sexes. On the other hand, there seems to be something more there, something I can’t put my finger on that ‘bisexual’ cannot really cover.
My feelings on the situation are summed up by something one of my favourite singers, Elly Jackson, a.k.a. La Roux, once said during an interview:
I don’t have a sexuality. I don’t belong to the gay or straight society, if there is such a thing. I feel like I’m capable of falling in love with other people. I’m not saying I’m bisexual, I’m just sexual!
My thoughts on it all are very muddled. As of now, I plan to not plan: I want to live impulsively in this area, and if I feel attracted to somebody, male or female, and would like to pursue on a relationship, I will do it. I rebel against labels; people seem to need an answer, a label, when it comes to sexuality, but for me? I just think everybody should embrace what they are feeling right now: not what they have felt before, not what they may feel in the future.
A question I get asked often that will never fail to make me want to bang my head against the nearest wall is: ‘But you’re so young! How do you know at your age? It’ll just be a phase; you’ll change your mind.’
Why do people feel the need to ask this? Yes, it may be a phase: that is a possibility, and I am aware this kind of thought process is very common during adolescence. Does that make me stop feeling how I feel now? In my mind, these are my emotions. Are all of your millions of thoughts a day true? And, similarly, are they all false?
The message I want to get across in this post is that, as clichéd as it is, we should all love ourselves: whether that be our hair colour, our personality, or our sex preference, we should all do what feels right in the now: otherwise, we will all evolve into the carbon copy of one another: no quirks, no originality, no personality.
I want us all to look in the mirror, and feel only positive things: be happy in the person you are. The gospel truth of it all is that you cannot change anything, so why try? Be true to yourself; at the end of the day, you only have yourself to own up to.